"Resting While Waiting"

I was thumbing threw my old address book tonight, when I was reminded that each alphabetical divider displays a short biblical verse. Twice, I opened my outdated, pastel-colored rolodex; both times coming across the above portion of a Psalm. As I read and reread the text, I couldn't help but think about everything I've been through in the last year and where I am at the current moment.
When I reflect on my life, I recall a series of challenges and trials; some much more difficult than you may imagine, others nothing compared to what you or someone you know may have suffered. However, our pain is still pain; our struggle still a struggle, whether it's a splinter or an axe tearing our tender flesh.
What I am struck by is how very difficult it is to truly experience peace and to actually rest and be patient when we are waiting. Yet, so much of life is waiting.
I realize that it is commonly thought that waiting is somehow wrong, wasteful or detrimental. Sometimes it is. But what about all of the times when it's wise, necessary or unavoidable? Think about it. We wait in line at the post office. We wait at the doctor's office. We wait until graduation. We wait to be served. We wait on others for so many things. There is even a profession called waiting and many people make a very decent living as professional waitresses and waiters. However, our society seems to be too haughty, spoiled and foolish to ever wait on anything.
As a Christian and as a woman who prides herself on having common (and uncommon) sense, I embrace, daily, waiting as an often unavoidable practice. In fact, waiting is very often the wisest thing one can do. Allow me to clarify: not only is waiting an obvious necessity when sitting at a red light or going to the DMV, but it is also a choice. I'd like to also point out that while I understand it's a often a requirement, I also believe it's frequently an option that we carelessly discard.
For example, it's nearing time for dinner and you are already feeling a bit hungry. You have two choices: either go to a fast food restaurant and gorge yourself on over-sized portions of salt, sugar and fat-packed poison, or go home and prepare a fresh, natural, home-cooked meal. Now, as much a I enjoy an occasional fast food burger or taco, we all know that for the well being of our waistline the homemade meal is the obvious choice. And, for those of you who love to cook, you also know that there is a joy and satisfaction in preparing your own delicious meal. It's difficult to describe, but there is a beauty and peace found in the creation of dishes and the subsequent consumption of that food. And, the taste is made even more savory by the delayed gratification.
There's an idea with which our culture seems to be barely acquainted! In fact, you can delay your duties, delay your responsibilities, even delay your development, but delay your wants???!!!! NEVER! It's incredibly disturbing that while people will neglect their bills, their children, their health - to name but a few - they will rarely neglect, delay or deny their wants. From sex to drugs to alcohol to spending to materialism and so on, denying oneself seems to be the least en vogue idea around.
Forget discipline. If you delay something - not a necessity but a mere want - you are causing detriment. It's actually quite ridiculous. In fact, I think it's another reason so many of us struggle with obesity. Although, there are many causes and contributing factors to obesity, it often comes down to people believing they are entitled and should be denied NOTHING. So, if I see a cookie or ice cream, pizza or chips, I should have them. After all, it's wrong to DENY myself.
I'd like to now point out that I DO NOT LIKE WAITING. Nor do I like denying, depriving or delaying my desires in anyway. But I choose to be a grown up and I strive - with God's help - to be a better person with a higher way of thinking; therefore, denying myself or, at the very least "waiting" is a necessary - I would say evil, but, no, I won't say that. I believe waiting can be a great gift from God. And, I openly add that I often fail at achieving this, but we are all works in progression or digression.
In fact, I've seen God use waiting in my own life to bless me in ways that are too numerous to list. I'll share one: I am 32 years old and I am single. I've never been married and I'm currently completely single [romantically speaking]. I've actually been blessed enough to have had a few times when I could have been married; however, rather than settle down with someone I knew wasn't God's best choice for me, I have remained single. If I had not "waited", then I know I would be miserable and have made one of those men miserable, as well. Instead, I live a very full life as a single woman and I believe one day God will bring the right guy along. And, you know what? Even if He doesn't, my life will have been exactly as He perfectly planned for me because I have chosen to wait on Him.
In case you're wondering, waiting on God to bring the right man into my life does not mean I constantly seek dates nor do I sit around watching romantic movies while sobbing and eating chocolate and sweet dairy treats (that was only for a few months several years ago ;). No, waiting on God for me means that I take as many opportunities as I can to experience life and improve myself. I continually and consistently mature, learn, love and LIVE. I travel, try new things, pursue my vocational dreams, create, meet new people, spend time with family and friends, work and seek ways to give to and serve others. (And, I do a good number of things that would prevent me from being canonized. I'm not viceless...yet. :)
You see, waiting has taken on a whole new hue in my eyes. It no longer infuriates me like it once did. Rather than seeing red, I often see a cool blue. My perspective has changed. As I said in the beginning of this piece, this past year left me waiting and wondering if I would ever have relief from some painful issues in my life. The issues involved some other people and their behavior toward me. I had no control over their behavior; only how I allowed it to affect me. In fact, there were times when I felt powerless and trapped. I didn't always handle the situation well and I was suffering because of it.
Then, something amazing happened: God moved. I had been waiting so long for Him to move. He even required of me a certain amount of action and initiative before He revealed to me that He was, indeed, moving in the situation. I guess He was engaging in one of His faith-building exercises with me. Well, let me tell you, when He moved, there was no mistaking it. And, it was AWESOME. I am still a bit in awe of what He as done. And, I know He isn't finished, yet. I also know that the trials of life are far from over and that waiting is, well, waiting for me. We're becoming old friends.
Throughout the waiting, God has taught me a lot and part of what He has taught me is that amid the waiting, I can have His peace. Sometimes, often, in fact, this peace seems irrational, aggravating, irritating, insulting and even absurd. I'd rather be angry and demand a remedy at once. But His ways are so much better. After all, if I didn't suffer through, wait it out and gain some patience, then I wouldn't be any closer to being like Him than before it began. And, that's what I really want. That's where the perfection, the beauty, the success and fulfillment lie: in being conformed to His radiant likeness. I also wouldn't get to experience that "peace that passes all understanding".
It's funny. I'm ravenously curious and I love to learn, but there's something miraculous, dare I say magical, even downright transformational about inexplicable things. Especially, the inexplicable ways, acts and attributes of God. Such is this peace I describe. It defies reality. Everything I see says, "you are fool to have peace, to trust, to be positive," but in those bleak moments of frigid fear and dismay, when the tiny flame of peace begins to flicker, when an ember of joy begin to glow, then, I am encouraged and I boast a smile that enrages the cynic and inspires the faithful. In these moments, I am no longer just a bit of dust. I am a child of light, an heir of God, and my experience transcends the lowly station of mortal.
Yet, the wonder does not end here. No, it is brought to fruition when the waiting is done and dawn breaks on a night of a thousand weary sighs. I open my eyes and cannot believe it, but I am free; free, indeed.
Next time, I pray I do better, listen clearer, trust deeper, rest sooner. And, I shall remember: though the night is deep and there are jackals scratching at my door, there is a Lion sleeping within and He boasts much more than roar. Amen.

How many fairytales can there be?

I wonder. I believe we all want to be the heroine or hero of our own daring tale of adventure, discovery, love and fulfillment. Perhaps that’s why no matter how many people tell us that fables, legends and the like are poppycock, we still just can’t bear to bury them. True, we may let them lie dormant for a while, but they always find their way back into our minds and our hearts. We see a movie that triggers those childhood fantasies and fancies and we’re right back in that place of hope and dreaming. Or, we find ourselves in the company of children: son, daughter, niece, nephew, student, whomever, and we cannot resist regaling them with a romantic tale of adventure. I argue it’s because within these wild and imaginative scapes lie our greatest joys, longings and even an analogy of what it is we go through in the short span of our days. The endings, well, they are what it should be. The unaffected, perfect utopia and redemption that we long for and in which some of us believe.
Maybe you still haven’t found your one true love, your golden amulet, your lost ring or your purpose. I’m about to have a rather surprising birthday. I say surprising because I can scarcely believe the number; however, I mention it because I have yet to find my true love and I’m still in a great quest to fulfill the purpose before me. In fact, some days it’s hard for me to get my brain ‘round it. What an elusive and magical thing individual purpose can be.
Looking at my life I see a vast array of characters (some lovable others diabolical) and I'm convinced that I must existing within some well worn storybook. My artist’s soul cannot help but believe so. It is quite possible that I think in such fanciful ways because I am at my core an artist and a spirit. My soul yearns for expression and fulfillment that cannot be found through much of what I find myself doing day to day. I dream of being in an expansive and nearly ancient English manor house or Tuscan villa estate where I can connect with my ancestors and imagine great escapades. To spend my days writing, reading, painting, drawing, filming, acting, singing, performing, laughing, crying for joy. I suppose this is what we all want. Not to be lazy, but to really live. To experience the ecstasy for which we were made.
This is worship to me. To live, love, nurture, build, create, compose, encourage, protect, explore, give. These to me are that which make life worth living and which offer the greatest offering, living sacrifice and glory to our Creator.
So, my goal for my next birthday is that I get closer to this way of living. I hope you do, too.

Sleep...where have you gone?

I need sleep. My body is weary, but my mind -throbbing tho it may be- refuses to comply. Perhaps it's because there is a song or sonnet, a thought or rhyme that is fighting to get out and express itself. So, here I am listening to "Suitcase" by Joe Purdy on a loop and typing in the dark of my once again disheveled bedroom. I'm hoping that some glimmer of genius is begging to be expressed, but I fear it's my brain's relentless thinking and my heart's persistent feeling that have drawn me to this page.
It's a dangerous, somewhat frightening thing to jot down one's thoughts when sleepy and philosophical and immediately post them in the public forum. But I've decided I'm tired of being afraid and just want to write. Write about rotten apples and empty ink cartridges; hostile coworkers and car repairs. Write about whimsical tales that live in the boundless and ever beckoning world of one's own imagination...and sometimes our collective imagination. I am a writer. Whether I'm being paid for my craft or not, it is how I was created and I must not neglect my calling. I feel my brain chuckling at me and my heart wiping a joyful tear as I embrace this destiny. And, now I see that I was being nudged to write my daily musings by a interwoven drive that I cannot deny. I am typing not because of any great truth to reveal or wisdom to impart, but merely to exercise my living. What a gift it is and to write is for me to fully live.
And, while listening to Purdy and other music I discover a recurring theme. Even at work today I was given the same instruction: rest your head on your pillow. My thoughts and concerns have been plaguing me, as have been my complacency. I have been wrapped tight by the worries of my world, but I'm ready to be free.
Freedom comes when I write. And, when I make choices that I have long left undone. It's time to commit and not fear the covenant. Daily, I am fortifying my resolve as I focus on the goals and dreams I've harbored in the secret places of my heart for so very long.
This year, may the Lord permit and bless, I am shedding the pounds that have held me captive to fear and kept me from success. I am going to begin cherishing my health and body. Now. Before the weight is gone. And, I'm accepting my own beauty inside and out.
I'm developing my web series and joining the Screen Actors Guild. I'm going to get started in the world of voice acting, as well. What a dream that has been for me.
I'm getting my writing published. And, the first of my many children's books is just the beginning.
I'm finding a better dwelling. Maybe a house even. A place for me to rest and to work. I need a room for my art, writing...all my liberal arts fallary.
I'm going to go horse back riding and visit Catalina. Road trips and nature are making their way back into my life.
I'm going to finally get a beautiful original tattoo that I am designing.
I'm going to be open and confident about the fact that I'm an actor, writer, singer and artist. And, talented in all of these areas.
I will sing MORE. And, start writing my original songs down and recording them.
I'm also buying a better, more reliable car.
I'm going to forgive more freely.
And, I'm going to maintain my integrity.
Finally, I'm not going to worry if you think I'm pretentious. I am the person I'm meant to be. I'm becoming that person every day a little more, by God's grace I pray.
A long list, eh?
Hmmm....suddenly, sleep seems doable, and necessary. Sleep well my friends. And, may your dreams be a preview of your own blessed future. May we have the wisdom and the vision to become the legends we are intended to be.

I have been in desperate need of an escape. And, lately, none of have quite compared to the amazing day I spent with friends in Santa Barbara. The very long day I spent in Santa Barbara County a few weeks ago was perhaps a completely perfect day. That is, as close to perfection as anything I've experienced for a very long time. However, I also have been in need of a private getaway with me, myself and God.

I've needed to regroup and today I had about 45 minutes of peace amid the glorious chaos of Los Angeles. I love this city so much, but sometimes you need to get quiet, be still or even get moving. In fact, the main requirement is being keeping company with no other humans. So, here is today's remedy for an affliction of runawayitis:

Lunch was approaching and I knew I had my healthy microwavable meal waiting in the freezer. However, I knew I needed to get outside and enjoy the lovely LA spring. So, I ate my minimeal as I worked, then I away I ran! I hopped in the car and just drove - until I found a place I'd never been. Within 10 mins I was in a little neighborhood I'd truly never seen before. I parked, had a little quiet time listening to the birds and breeze outside, read the Bible and then explored the quaint neighborhood on foot. It was short and ever so sweet and it was just the refreshment I needed: a time to clear my head and reconnect spiritually.

Sometimes all we need is a little simplicity and refreshment. That is what I needed and that's what I found.

Late Night Ramblings of an Over-Active Brain

We live. That is, some of us really try to live. Unfortunately, there are those who don’t see the value in savoring every sweet moment possible from this gift. Yesterday, I encountered too many of those who either squander their breath on pettiness and meaninglessness or who compartmentalize their lives into living and surviving. I pity those who exist this way, but I really get ticked when they start infringing on my right to pursue happiness.
People, too many of them it seems, give in to foolishness. I know that sounds harsh but in my experience it is far too often true. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how along this journey the shallow-minded and the mean-spirited cannot be avoided (not often enough, anyway). I know my path is littered with the like. The truth is I like people. I love interacting and socializing with them; learning about them and loving them, but that doesn’t mean they don’t drive me crazy sometimes. Maybe that’s how God feels about us. Not that I’m even close to Him in terms of how I deal with and respond to them. If I were Him, I’m sure I’d be passing down some heavy judgment and embarrassing punishments. Lucky for me…and you, I am a mere mortal.
I suppose the good thing about all of this activity in my life is that it’s propelling me closer to the genuine pursuit of my dreams. And, helping me to determine what it really means to affect a life and change someone for the better. I’m learning that being nice and accepting bad behavior is not what makes me the best human being I can be. Sometimes being the best God intends of me means telling people no, rejecting manipulative alliances and disapproving of damaging behavior.
Witnessing so much unrest: miserable people who by association, intent or even involuntary compulsion are making those around them miserable (cliché as it is, misery doth love companionship); has caused me to take a greater stock of who I am and who I am becoming.
I’ve gone through a lot of phases in the past 31 years – my life thus far – and I’m now at a point where I am secure and confident enough to look at my life with a healthy critical eye. To make a rational and reasonable assessment of who I am without being ridiculously harsh or naively proud. Here is what I’m discovering:
I am a very intelligent person with depressingly underutilized potential.
Although I have found the courage to speak, sometimes it is not prudent to state what I “feel” needs to be said.
Some people find me quite attractive; others think I’m unremarkable. As difficult as it is for me to type, I’ve even been told I’m beautiful. But what really matters is that I appreciate my face and body as unique gifts and treat them accordingly. It’s nice to be told you look like a gorgeous starlet, but in the end I’m happy to look like me and you should be happy to look like you.
Beauty cannot be measured or determined conclusively by anyone.
Value is often the most misunderstood quality.
Finding a kindred spirit and soul friend brings the most indescribable joy to one’s heart! And, what creates this bond is a mystery that births the most indefinable familiarity.
Falling in love can happen in a few days or a few months. It can happen in the most mundane circumstances and unglamorous settings. Staying in love is a bit trickier. You can choose to stay in that love – even amid opposition and stress – with greater ease than falling out of it. Falling out of love requires either neglect or an act of God. If you go with the neglect route, then beware. Suddenly, in the most expected moments that love will pop up and seize your soul. What a funny, unruly thing it is.
Writing is my passion, but not my one and only. Being so passionate about so many things has made life a bit difficult for me. It sounds so smug I suppose, but having so many loves really has made me feel a bit unfaithful. I can honestly say that I burn with fervor for the pen, the song…from writing to performing to all things colorful and artistic I have been a fickle lover. Thus, I have often found myself nearly abstinent altogether! No more! Instead, I shall be a polygamist and romance all my loves with equal ardor!
If someone really upsets you or something is particularly annoying, tell a couple of trusted loved ones about it and then let it go. If it’s criminal or endangers you, tell everyone including the police and an attorney.
Laugh as much as you can without getting fired or committed.
Daydream and fantasize like you did when you were a kid. There’s nothing like it to release stress and reinvigorate your soul with hope except for prayer. The innocent longing and imaginings we experience and exercise as children should never be forgotten. Resurrect your fanciful side!
Sing out loud in the car; at home; outside. Again, like the laughter, use discretion so as to avoid getting fired, committed, or, in this case, disturbing the peace. Whether is opera, pop, heavy metal, just do it!! And, mix it up!
Dance around whenever you can. Lock the doors, kick off your shoes, and wear whatever makes you feel good and free – even if it’s nothing at all – and crank up the tunes. I strongly recommend doing this at least once a week. During that time you are the greatest dancer in the world and the most adoring audience all rolled into one. It is bliss. If this is not possible, lift your arms or roll your neck. Do something that frees you!
Spend time with kids. Whether they are you own, a friends, a relatives, babysitting, whatever, just do this whenever you are able. Hanging out with children who enjoy your company will boost your confidence, warm your heart and bring you joy and levity like nothing else. When I babysit two of my fave kids, they make me feel like the most lovely and beloved princess in the world. Of course, they are two of the most exceptional little girls on the planet, but I’m sure you can find a couple like them.
Own a pet. They will love you in a way that few people allow themselves to love. They will teach you to express affection, accept love, to be vulnerable and to be responsible. Plus, their little warm, furry bodies work better than heating pads.
Have an open-ended ongoing conversation…with God. My best days begin the night before: I fall asleep talking to Him and wake up with the sweetest words of praise, telling Him how much I love and adore Him. These are the most special moments and the only perfect times of my day. I cherish them.

To be continued….